Comments on: Do You React or Respond to Your Kids?

By: E-News: September 25-29

E-News: September 25-29 — Fri, 22 Sep 2017 13:39:51 +0000

[…] I really enjoyed this article about responding vs. reacting. Two of the hats that I consistently wear are my parent hat and teacher hat. I am easily able to keep my own emotions at bay when my teacher hat is on and I’m in the classroom; I’m in teacher mode and I love modeling patience and teaching emotional intelligence. However, when my parent hat is on I’m faced with all of life’s stressors (like all other humans) and my own children trigger emotional reactions in me from time to time and this is when I need to channel mindfulness, take some deep breaths and focus on responding appropriately. It is absolutely impossible to be a perfect parent and I believe we all suffer from parent-guilt every now and again for one reason or another. Being a parent isn’t hard because of the types of children we have, necessarily, but because of the personal growth and self-reflection that is required of us. Child development studies are always coming out with new information on how to talk to or with our children, discipline techniques, life experiences to offer, etc. After reading one parenting article you may pick up a book and find that author contradicting the blog post you just read; it’s mind boggling and frustrating. Because really, we just want to raise our children to be kind, intelligent, responsible, respectful people who also feel loved by us and some day know that we tried our best with what we had to work with. Is that really too much to ask?!? Let’s get back to the article; it’s simple, concise and offers fantastic reasons on why responding is much more beneficial than reacting to our kids. The author uses these statements as examples: “That’s enough whining, young lady.” vs. “Please use a calm voice when asking me for something.” Our responses (or reactions) ultimately teach our kids how to approach and handle situations. You may hear your child mimic your words immediately after you say them! Life is stressful enough for adults, so imagine how trying it is for a child who’s only been on the planet for a few years, with no tools or life experiences to help them act appropriately. Something that has helped me when working with children who are experiencing a difficult time is to take the blame off the child. Refocus. Instead of having the mindset of “what’s wrong with him?” Or “Why is he acting like that?” I give the control to myself. Think, “I am the adult and I am in charge. What can I do to help my child work through his emotions? What does he need FROM ME to grow emotionally?” Is he tired? Hungry? It requires a lot of patience, observation and tuning the rest of the world out. I don’t always do it right (obviously), and I know I can do better, but it’s a start. Sometimes we just need to sit by our children while they have a meltdown. Other times they may need a validating statement, “You really want to go to the park. You’re so mad that we can’t go today.” It doesn’t mean you take them to the park because they are crying. It’s a statement from their parent that lets them know they are seen and heard–two very vital things children crave (don’t we all?) A lack of punishment is not being passive. Connecting with our children in order to guide them through their difficult times is something they can learn from and it’s a great way to build the resilience we want them to possess. Today I did not set myself (or my children) up for success. I took my kids to the library even though my son had refused to nap earlier in the day. The result: he ran around the library like a little maniac, shouting, and hitting his sister and me. I was so frustrated and mad. But really, what did I expect from an over-tired child who’d been cooped up in the house for two days? Afterwards, I realized I need to be more consistent with setting us all up for success. As much as we needed to get out of the house, I should have chosen a different location, one where he could get his energy out in a positive way. The books that needed to be brought back and picked up could have waited one more day. Self-reflect, make note, try a different approach next time. Not perfect, but yet another growing pain as a parent. https://imperfectfamilies.com/do-you-react-or-respond-to-your-kids/ […]

By: Nicole Schwarz

Nicole Schwarz — Wed, 20 Sep 2017 19:37:31 +0000

In reply to Mariana. So sorry for my delayed response. If this is still a concern, I would love to meet with you for an online parent coaching session. We can talk through these challenges in more detail and find a few strategies that will work for you and your son! imperfectfamilies.com/parent-coaching

By: Stefanie

Stefanie — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 16:04:24 +0000

Thank you for this list of responses. SO GOOD!

By: Sophie van der Linden

Sophie van der Linden — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 18:12:04 +0000

Good advice. Now I will be more careful to educate children. Teach them respect for their elders, for their parents. Caring for close people and striving for knowledge.

By: Nikita

Nikita — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 20:17:49 +0000

Great tips…!!!

By: sendy

sendy — Mon, 26 Jun 2017 16:57:59 +0000

In reply to Vickie.

I think you need to awaken a self- compassion in your child. When we are hard on ourselves we will also be hard on our children. Try to contact that hurt and hidden child in your child. Try to show a lot of compassion to pain and emotions that were not accepted in your parenting style…
this would help me…

By: Mariana

Mariana — Wed, 26 Apr 2017 22:58:18 +0000

Hi. I will start by saying I haven’t been a good & positive mother and I need help. Not blaming it on my parents but what I’ve learned, I have trouble not repeating with my own kids.

I yell, I’m impatient, I criticize, I condemn, I threaten…. Yes, I have spanked though thank God, I’ve only felt the need to only a couple of times. I was spanked all the time and am very against it but I still yell and hate myself after.

Right now, I have a 13 year old, my first born son I’m having terrible times with. We…I don’t know how to communicate with him. He learned to have no control over his emotions and to not speak up.

He’s had a group of 5 friends for about 3 years now. They are mean to him and he keeps wanting to be with them, it drives me insane. I want to take him away from them and pull the plug. I want to tell his friends that they are bad friends and that my son is no longer allowed to be with them.

Example, 3 weeks ago, 1 of the boys shared his water with the other three who were there but said no to my son. It was hot. My son ran to a store & bought himself a cold, icy water. (How do I know?… little brother was there and told me the whole thing)
1 week ago, my son shared water & food with that same kid before a track meet.
4 days ago two of his friends, (the one that wouldn’t share water and another) came with us to celebrate little brother’s bday. I paid their entrance and gave them back their money for food, drinks & extras (to share). Both boys got a cold slushie but left my son just watching them. When my son asked them to buy him one or share, they simply said, “later” & as soon as they were done, they walked away to play without my son. I gave my son money to buy himself a slushie but he wasn’t done yet, so the boys left.

I feel they don’t really care about my son. The other boys (gang, clan, click, etc.) have all been friends since pre-school & my son is the needy outsider they meet 3 years ago.

I’m angry. I want to kick their butts but of course, I can’t!. I want my son to defend himself and walk away, but he won’t. He says they’re good to him & that everything is fine.

Last year, when my son finally stood up for himself against 1 in the group, they all alienated him. Turned against him and defended their other “boy” of years. At one point, I found out two in the group even made some racial comments.

What can I do?. What should I do?.
Please give advice. Constructive criticism! Let me have it straight!

The one-who-wouldn’t-share-water is having a sleepover bday party this Saturday and I DON’T want my son to go!. HELP!. Fast!

-desperate mom

By: How To Be A Happier SAHM - SAHM Survives

How To Be A Happier SAHM - SAHM Survives — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 23:09:54 +0000

[…] a great read about parenting that totally changed the way I mom. I’ll just leave the link here. Nicole explains this much better than I […]

By: Nicole Schwarz

Nicole Schwarz — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 15:39:53 +0000

In reply to Vickie. I'm glad you are providing support and encouragement for your children and grandchildren!

By: Vickie

Vickie — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 17:34:41 +0000

I made a lot of mistakes raising my children and regret most of then listening to my mother. Didn’t’ break ties until I was in my 40’s. l’m trying to make amends with my grown children. My youngest is so hard on my grandchildren. I have tried to point out the mistakes I made with her I see happening to her children. She is so hard headed about anything I say. Her oldest girl 12,moved in with her dad in another state. Sarah is so hurt by no positive emotions by her mother. I talk to her several times a week. She is coming back to visit next month. Things are so stressful between her mother and l. I am trying so hard to keep my mouth closed and not criticize her. Still learning. Thank you for hearing me out.