We’re leaving the zoo. The car is parked at the far end of the lot. It’s going to be a trek and my 3 kids are already tired.
The middle child is complaining about the walk, “It’s too far!! I can’t make it! I can’t walk that far!!”
I try making the walk fun. “Let’s skip!”
She responds, “I DON’T WANT TO WALK!”
I try encouraging. “Won’t the air conditioning feel good once we get to the car?”
Louder, she yells, “I DON’T WANT TO WALK!!!!”
Feeling discouraged and starting to get frustrated, I suddenly remember a brain-based strategy I learned in a training recently.
We stopped walking. I knelt down in front of her, making sure I was below her eye-level. I held her hands and began to respond to her screaming using empathy.
“You really don’t want to walk to the car.”
She yells back, “I REALLY, REALLY DON’T WANT TO WALK TO THE CAR!!”
I respond, “You really, really don’t want to walk to the car.”
And then…the most miraculous thing begins to occur. She starts to soften. Her face turns from anger to sadness. Her shoulders start to relax.
Suddenly, she collapses into me. Starting to cry. I hug her for a minute.
When she’s calm, I ask, “How should we get to the car?”
“Walk.”
And that’s what we did.
Get Low
Getting below your child’s line of sight can make the difference between a huge blowup and a productive conversation. It can take a child from the brink of destroying your living room, to sitting calmly in your lap. It’s almost too simple.
This strategy comes from Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of The Whole Brain-Child.
When we speak to our children from an authoritarian posture, standing above looking down, our child’s brain feels threatened. It signals the “fight or flight response” in the brain. Positioning yourself under your child’s line of sight keeps the brain from feeling triggered.
A calmer brain = less tantrums
Use Empathy
Responding to your child with empathy is not always easy. We are used to rescuing, distracting, yelling, problem-solving and giving ultimatums.
Instead, simply respond to your child with their own words. Paraphrase what you hear them saying. If you get it wrong, your child will correct you. Then, paraphrase back their clarification.
If you get stuck. Be silent for a minute. Take a deep breath.
Deep breaths = calmer brain = less tantrums 🙂
Give It A Try!
If you’re thinking, “This seems too simple. There’s no way this will work with my child,” I encourage you to give it a try anyway. For my middle daughter, it works like a charm. I can try other methods, but this one works every time (I’ve had a lot of opportunities to practice lately!)
I would love to hear your success stories! Feel free to post your experiences in the comments.
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Have learnt this through Playcentre training and put into practise often. Just last night my 6 year old was having a hissy fit about going to bed. It was so tempting just to yell at her to go but I knew this way would herald better results. Sure enough I asked her to come for a hug and empathised about her not wanting to go to bed and sure enough she calmed right down and then willingly headed off to bed, more people need to know this, so simple but I guess human nature when someone is yelling and carrying on is to get mad or do the same thing back. It does take some restraint resist that urge and be empathetic
I have a toddler almost 2 years old. Bed time is difficult. There is a great deal of crying and coughing and winding up. All at those moments when calm and quiet are needed. What has helped is laying down with her. She is typically sitting up and crying. I’m lower than her. I then say “Are you feeling tired, sometimes when we are tired we can feel frustrated or sad” I tell her it is okay to feel sad and after a nice sleep she will feel better in the morning. Every time this happens she has responded so well. Almost immediately she takes a deep breath and lays down. Not exactly the same situation but it works so well.
Love this! Thanks for sharing!
I am an Occupational Therapist with over 30 years experience working with children. I learned the technique of getting down to children’s eye level or below many years ago as a high school student working in a preschool as an intern while taking a child development class. The empathy technique is a classic counseling method called primary accurate empathy,,, restating using the stressed individual’s own words to reassure them that their feelings are understood to develop trust and rapport. The method of paraphrasing is secondary accurate empathy.. summarizing the most important parts of their statements, designed to start to develop insight into the source of their feelings. These techniques work well with typically developing children, but can reinforce the negative behaviors in children with atypical sensory or cognitive function.
hey Gary, my son was recently “diagnosed” with SPD (sensory processing disorder), so I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for what to do before his tantrums start….i would LOVE any ideas 🙂 I haven’t tried getting at or below his level, so I’ll definitely be trying that, but we do a lot of re-stating and the empathy technique, and while sometimes it works, it feels like often it just makes him more angry.
How do you utilize this theory with a suddenly acting out 17 year old. I feel like my younger kids are easier. Lol.
Not sure this would be the tip I would recommend for a 17 year old, but you might be right about younger kids being easier! 🙂
Do you have any tips for the ASD tantrums? I am going to try this with my grandson the next time he has a melt down.
Hi! I’m not sure what you are referring to exactly, but for most kids getting down to their level and responding with a calm, neutral, empathetic response works well. Each child is different, of course, but it is definitely worth a try!
I love this and really need to hear some of these. I have a ‘freshly’ 4pyear-old… It’s a whole new world I swear once he turned over a switch flipped. I will be pinning this and sharing on facebook so I can reference and my husband sees it. This would do great on my blog party that starts in a few hours over on my blog. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom either way.
This is a really great article.
Thanks Lori!
What works for toddlers when they cannot always tell you what’s wrong? Paraphrasing is out?
Hi Pamela,
Thanks for reading. With toddlers, you can give them the words you think they are trying to say. Such as, “You feel mad that it’s time to leave” or “You’re sad that mommy has to go to work.” You may have to guess or try a few different things until you get it right.
Hope that helps!
Nicole
Thanks for the article! I am willing to try anything with my 3 yr old daughter as it is getting completely out of control especially now that her little brother is old enough to take part in all the activities we do. Everything is a constant fight with her. From sharing, not hitting or pushing her brother, to eating, to being dressed and brushing her hair.
I have never been a person with amazing patience but I honestly have lost it all. I feel absolutely horrible because I know they are just doing what children do; but lately I just feel like a broken record and feel like giving up as I am sick of being ignored and arguing over everything.
Fingers crossed this helps or I am running away 😉
Hi Jessi,
Don’t run away! 🙂 I’m glad you commented, thank you for your honesty. You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and empty of all patience. I think age 3 is a really difficult stage for most kids & moms! They are still little, but think they’re ready to be independent. Hang in there…she’s getting older every day! (My mantra at this age is, “it’s just a stage..it’s just a stage.”)
I hope this technique works for you. It’s hard having a little brother hanging around all of the time. She’s probably missing time with just you. Feel free to name this out-loud for her when she seems to be having trouble with him. “Sometimes you love having a little brother, sometimes you wish it was just you and mommy.”
But, honestly, I’d focus more on reconnecting with her, building up that relationship. Give yourself permission to find a way to enjoy being with her again, rather than constantly correcting or punishing her behavior. That might mean letting a lot of things go – what she wears, if her hair is a mess, what she wants to eat. (Obviously you can calmly redirect her if she’s hurting her brother.) It’s not so she will always get her way, it’s temporary, it’s planful on your part. Once your relationship is stronger, she will be less resistant to your direction.
Please check back in and let me know how it’s going. I know you’re not the only reader with a 3 year old. Let’s stick together!
Nicole
I feel the same way most of the time, only difference is my kids are 5 and 6. But the biggest problem we have is extended family constantly telling me i suck as a mom then going to my kids and telling them they don’t have to listen either by their words or actions. I have backed away from them (extended family) but they keep pushing over the boundaries and we are so confused and the kids don’t know who to trust anymore. Guess its a work in progress lol. Blessing
I would love to know what you recommend for the older child like my 10 year old son. your strategy works great for my 3 yearold daughter but not for the older kids. He just screams and yell and its never his fault. everyone makes him mad and we all “make him yell and carry on” I would love to hear what i could do with him. (other than headbutt him)
Thanks
Hi Tamara,
I’m glad you’re looking for alternatives to headbutting him! 🙂
This strategy can work for older kids, as well as other adults, but I would change the wording to be more age appropriate. That being said, it seems like you are looking for other strategies to help your son.
When he is screaming and yelling his brain is feeling threatened. There is no reasoning with him in this moment. You can express empathy, such as, “I can tell you’re super frustrated right now.” And extend help, “We can work on calming down together when you’re ready. Let me know.” Above all, do what you need to do to keep yourself calm and not get emotionally entangled in his blaming. All problem solving and discussing options for better behavior should be done when everyone is calm, not in the heat of the moment. You may need to reiterate this to him, “we can talk more about your feelings when we are all calm.” Here is an article that may be a good starting point: Let your children feel their feelings
It sounds like he could use some help with coping and calming strategies, as well how to take responsibility for his own actions. If you don’t feel like he will listen/learn from you, you may want to seek help from a child therapist in your area.
This is just general advice, but if you would like a more specific plan, please contact me via email and we can discuss options.
Thanks for commenting. Let me know how it goes!
Nicole
Thank you for your article, I really like the advice an am definitely going to try it with my littlies. I just had one question from your example about the car park. This actually happens regularly with my 3 yo. Carpark, school pick up etc. she will decide she can’t walk any further and it escalates from there. I worry that her response would be to ask to be carried (which isn’t possible). Can you give me an sample script for how to deal with her requesting (or to be fair… Demanding…) to be carried, in a situation where I can’t carry her? I’d love to have an idea of where to go with the conversation before I try it out and find myself floundering!
Thank you so much!
Hi Claudia,
Thanks for stopping by! It’s challenging to give specific advice here, but I’ll give a general idea and you can tweak it to fit your needs.
Before even getting to a situation where she would want to be carried, I would let her know that the expectation is for her to walk to the car. (And I would say it cheerfully, expecting it to go well!) “We’re done shopping now, I’m going to push the stroller and you’re going to walk to the car.” Then, I might brainstorm some ideas with her about what you could do on the way – count blue cars, don’t step on any cracks, hop on one foot, etc. “What should we do on the way to the car? Should we sing a song? March like robots?”
Another option would be to give her a job to do on the way – holding some groceries, helping to push the cart, holding your purse, etc.
A third idea would be to give her a quick snuggle before you start walking. You could tickle her until she starts laughing, give a quick kiss, a tight squeeze, whatever might work for her.
Ok, if you’ve done all that, but she still decides she can’t go any farther, I would just join with her in that feeling. “You really wish mommy could carry you!” and/or “You’re really mad that mommy is holding the baby (or groceries or whatever) instead of you.”
Then, since it’s not safe to have a tantrum in the middle of the parking lot, I would say something like, “We can’t stop here because of all the cars. Let’s get to our car and then I can hold you. Would you like to snuggle with mom once we reach the car?” And then, redirect her to the car, “I can’t wait to get to the car and snuggle with you, come on! I’m going to jump over every crack I see, can you? Can you jump over this crack?”
Give those ideas a try as a start. I’d love to hear how it goes!
Nicole
When my middle child was around 4-5 years old, we ran into this frequently in the store. What helped him feel heard was to write it down! Even though he couldn’t read yet– I would get out a notepad and write “Noah really really likes this airplane and wishes he could have it.” I would show him and tell him what I wrote, and I could watch him relax (instead of ramping up the requests). It became Noah’s Wish List. He rarely asked about the items on the list later. He just needed to have his desire of the moment taken seriously. He is now 29 years old, married, and a wonderful unselfish person, and great daddy to my three grandchildren.
Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your parenting wisdom with us! This is a fantastic suggestion. I can’t wait to give it a try with my own 4 year old.
Nicole
I really like this. Am going to try it. Thanks!
I never really thought of the getting to eye level thing, but the principle I’ve used many times. It makes the brain feel less threatened because it has to focus on the fact that you are behaving out of the ordinary. But the brain feels threatened in the first place because children have feelings and sometimes they feel like we aren’t giving them validity. Nothing says, “I don’t care how you feel.”, like telling your child to suck it up and be quiet when inside they’re heads and hearts are on fire. My son has had very few tantrums ever. He’s nearly 10 now, but when he was little, a little understanding sympathy goes a long way (like stopping and restating their words or feelings). It lets them know you are listening to them express their feelings. Then be your self. Be real with them. In the same situation, I would have kept going, (or maybe sat right down there in the walk and made him sit with me which would make us all laugh), but I would have shown empathy by letting him know that I too cannot bear to take another step. Then the asking, “How can we get to the car?”. Well that further disengages their fight by giving them some authority and choice in how logically to deal with themselves and the situation. It makes them feel not only valid, but also more equal. They then have no choice but to think with logic and problem solving rather than emotionally, which is the end goal anyway. The problem many parents face, is that by the time they realize they’re facing a tantrum, it’s already full blown and their child is so emotionally overwrought that it’s very difficult to bring them back. When that happens, do sit down. Or carry them to a place that you can. And sit with them. Hold them, love them, and just give them time to mellow out. Don’t discuss the situation. Just be quiet and be there for them. Let them ride out the storm, and hold them through it. Then they will eventually speak with the logical question of what’s next. That’s when it’s time to give them the power to control themselves. My son had these sorts of things escalate maybe 3-4 times longer than they should. But letting him have his meltdown, ultimately gave him time to realize that crying wouldn’t change anything, so he’d move on to problem solving. Then there were 2 times he was having a full blown, public selfish tantrum of wanting STUFF. Well, it only lasted until fear took over. I simply told him in a quiet voice, that if he didn’t stop screaming, I was going to walk away and pretend he was someone else’s child. He didn’t stop, I casually walked away, turned a corner, and of course stopped right there so I could still be mama bear if anyone bothered him. Instantly the fit stopped. A few seconds more and he figured he’d better come find me. When he’d walk up to me, I had something I my hands and pretended I hadn’t been paying attention to him. He walks up, I say, “Oh, there you are. Are you done having a fit yet?” He looked at the ground and mumbled, “Yea”. “Would you really leave me?” I just told him I’d never go far. But I wouldn’t stand around helplessly while he manipulated me because he knew that I’d be embarrassed by his behavior. He tested me one more time…then he was a believer. He learned that those sorts of selfish types of tantrums would never ever work on me. Then he learned logical argument – and who can argue with logic. We both win.
Hi KC,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience!
I agree that taking time to empathasize in a calm, loving manner is the best way to respond to children when they are feeling upset, worried, sad or frustrated. And, you’re right, many times children are already in a full blown meltdown before parents respond empathetically. However, it’s never too late for parents to change their response – even mid tantrum! It’s never too late to take a deep breath and respond with empathy.
Which brings me to your experience in the store. I realize that dealing with tantrums in a public place is an extremely stressful experience for parents. Many times it seems like bribery, threats or ignoring is our only option.
However, I believe that an empathetic and supportive response would have worked well here too. Responding with something like, “you really want that toy!” or “I know it’s hard to leave the toy isle when there is so much cool stuff to see” will give a child a sense of feeling heard and understood.
I cannot condone threatening to abandon a child if they do not stop screaming. I believe our children need us most when they are melting down – even in a public place. While it may seem like manipulation or an attempt to cause parents to feel embarrassed, a child is not thinking rationally when they are in the midst of experiencing big emotions. If we respond with empathy, our child will learn that we love them even when they are learning hard lessons (like delayed gratification or leaving a fun party, for example).
As far as your comment about the brain, I think there is much more to it than just responding to someone acting out of the ordinary. I am not a neuro-biologist or neuro-psychologist, but I encourage you to check out these fantastic authors who know a lot about the brain: http://www.drdansiegel.com or http://tinabryson.com/
Nicole
I tried this and it didn’t work.. well it did for a min but then he just went back to yelling 🙁 He wanted to eat ice cream and I told him he couldn’t because I was making dinner in a little bit and I didn’t want him to ruin his appetite and he got very upset so I got down and I repeated it back to him and he calmed down and talked to me but when I again said he couldn’t have ice cream he just started crying again 🙁 What do you do with something like this?
Hi Megan,
Thanks for sharing your experience! I’m sorry it wasn’t a quick fix this time. It sounds like you were very empathetic and understanding, though. And, I love how you gave it another try. I realize that my example does make it seem a little too easy (though it is a true story…so I know it actually can be that easy sometimes!).
The intention of this technique is to keep the brain from being triggered and the child from melting down. Sometimes, you may have to repeat this step. In fact, anytime you feel a tantrum re-escalating, it’s a good idea to switch back to empathy. Next, you have a bunch of directions you can go – snuggling, brainstorming solutions, getting busy with another activity, etc.
In your case, I wonder if looking for the “yes” might have helped. So, instead of saying that he couldn’t have ice cream now, you could say, “we can have ice cream after dinner! Let’s get your bowl and spoon ready so we won’t forget.” Or, “It seems like you’re hungry. Let’s look for a snack that won’t spoil your dinner. Would you like a cheese stick or an apple?”
Thanks again for sharing! Stop back and let us know how it goes.
Nicole
This is so simple yet powerful, I’m definitely going to start putting it into play immediately! I try to get at eye level, but I’d never heard of below eye level – makes sense. It couldn’thaveome at a better time either because I feel iveI’ve become lazy in my parenting lately; eye level these days has been let’s get on the couch with mommy. Ha!
I do have a question though, how would you get a dad on board who considers this kind of parenting as “kissing his kid’s *ss”? He’d rather take responsibility easy way out (my opinion) and spank or take something away than talk things out with them. Soooo frustrating!
Hi Beth,
Thanks for stopping by…and for your honesty! 🙂 You bring up a great point. I know you’re not the only one who doesn’t have agreement from a co-parent on parenting strategies (I think it deserves it’s own blog post someday soon, stay tuned). Since forcing your parenting ideas on your spouse is only going to build more resistance, I suggest using every opportunity you can to model positive parenting techniques. The more frequently you use them with your child, the better response you are going to get. There’s nothing wrong with talking about your experience, “You wouldn’t believe it, I tried this new technique today, and he left the park without even a fuss!” The hope is that your spouse will start to see that your methods are just as effective (if not more so), and give them a try himself.
I’m curious if others have a solution that worked when their co-parent wasn’t on the same page. What helped? What flopped?
I’d also love to support those of you who are going through this alone – either because you are a single parent or your co-parent is not on board. Thanks again for bringing this up, Beth!
Nicole
this works well for us except my son is 3yr old and often can’t express what’s wrong. So sometimes the worst tantrums to deal with are the ones where I can’t figure out what’s wrong and he can’t express it. It stinks but I’m sure he’ll get better as his language improves. Just stinks not to be able to help him more.
Hi Danielle,
Thanks for reading and commenting. This is a tough road for parents. It’s so hard to watch our kids have a meltdown are really have no idea what’s going on. I find that naming the uncertainty is really helpful. “You are just feeling all sorts of feelings right now!” or “I’m not really sure what’s going on and I bet you don’t know what’s going on either.” Sometimes when I’m saying this to my kids, it’s also a reminder that I need to be a still, calm presence for them because feeling a bunch of overwhelming emotions is…well, overwhelming! Your son is lucky to have you as his guide until he can express what he’s thinking and feeling on his own.
Nicole
I used to teach parenting classes in Head Start and the position of authority was always something we would do in class…. pairing off in twos, one would act as the parent the other child and then reversing that role… it really helped the parents to realize how it could affect the child, but going below the eye of the child would almost make them feel like they had the control in the situation, something everyone wants… control.
Also as a middle child myself, I always felt invisible and no one heard me. This concept of being smaller than the child would give the child a sense of being in control, heard and no longer invisible.
Hi Shannon,
Thanks for commenting. You’re right! Taking a less powerful posture would speak volumes to a child. I love your last line…”in control, heard and no longer invisible.” What child wouldn’t want that!?
Nicole
I love this! How can we use these tools with a nonverbal toddler?
Hi Jackie,
Thanks for stopping by! The same principles apply to a non-verbal toddler (or a really, really upset older child). You’ll still want to get below their line of sight, either by squatting down or picking them up. Then you will need to supply the words they might say if they could speak. This is an excellent way to teach your toddler about feelings! Keep it simple, and use a calm, understanding tone of voice. “You feel mad that I said it was time to go” or “You are sad that daddy had to leave for work.” You may have to repeat this a few times. The main thing is to give them the message that you hear their feeling and you are with them through it. Then, help him move to problem solving, “do you want to hold my hand and walk or be carried?” or “should we snuggle a while or read a book?”
Of course it won’t be easy all of the time! Make sure you take some big deep breaths. Hang in there!
Let me know how it goes!
Nicole
Hi Nicole, This is such a great reminder to meet kids where they are and validate how they are feeling. I have also found that this can be an effective tool with teens as well (depending on the situation of course!). Ah, the power of listening.
Listening…it’s an often overlooked technique! Sounds simple, but often takes a lot of work. Thanks for commenting.
Nicole: This is one of my favorite posts from you. I shared it on FB. (I wish your share buttons and section were bigger, I almost missed it.) I have definitely found that when I can get really calm and open that it makes a big difference, thanks for reminding us of the science that’s in play. For me it will help me to remember to do it more often.
Amy
Hi Amy,
Thanks so much for you encouragement and thanks for sharing! I agree, staying calm is key. It’s not always easy, but it’s always a good choice!
Nicole