Why Isn’t This Working? Encouragement for Exhausted Parents

 

“We tried ___, it didn’t work.”

Sometimes the blank is filled with a particular parenting method, other times it is filled with a laundry list of strategies.

As a therapist and parent coach, this is one of the most common phrases I hear from exhausted parents. But, as a parent myself, I can relate to the frustrations of trying a new technique and seeing very little change in my child’s behavior.

Before you throw your hands up and say, “This isn’t working! I give up!”

Let’s look at a few reasons why you might be feeling frustrated.

Why Isn’t This Working?

• Old Habits Die Hard: We are creatures of habit. Most people quickly revert back to their old ways, especially in times of stress. It takes patience and practice to change a pattern of behavior. Many people do not stick with a strategy long enough to see the benefit.

• Ignoring Your Triggers: We are really good at pointing out the flaws in other people, but most of us are a little less in tune with our own challenges.  In order to make a change, we need to take an honest inventory of our own triggers, behavior, and habits.

• The Extinction Curve: It’s normal for your child’s behavior to get worse before it gets better. They may be unsure about your response, wondering if you’ll be consistent, or testing the boundaries before they relax. Thankfully, once they feel safe, the behavior should decrease.

• Negative Self Talk: It’s easy to throw in the towel when you don’t see change immediately. It’s also easy to beat yourself up when you fall back into old habits. Instead of staying stuck or giving up, it’s important to keep going, to do what you need to do to get back on track.

• Refusing to Adapt: It’s challenging for parents to grow up with their children. Unfortunately, the same strategies that worked when your kids were toddlers will probably not work for your teens.  Be flexible, explore your options, and give a new technique a try.

• Going Alone: It’s difficult to make changes on your own. You may be a single parent, you may disagree with your spouse about parenting, or you may have a very challenging home situation. There’s no shame in asking for extra support to stay consistent.

• Heading In The Wrong Direction: Of course, sometimes, the strategy you are using is not right for your child. And that’s OK. If it doesn’t match your child’s age, developmental stage and temperament, it’s time to look for another option. Parenting strategies are not one size fits all.

A new direction for exhausted parents.

Ok. Where do you go from here?

As you read through the list above, choose one that resonates with you. Do you need to be more consistent? Do you need additional support? Do you need to find a new strategy or find one that fits better with your child?

It’s fine to say, “this isn’t working!” but before you give up completely, make sure something else is not standing in the way of success. Make a change and then reevaluate.

Parenting is a lot of trial and error. No one has it figured out completely.

The important thing is not to get stuck, but to keep moving forward.

How Can I Help You?

Does this seem too overwhelming? Are you unsure what parenting strategy would work best for your children? Parent Coaching may be a good fit for you.  Learn more about the benefits of Parent Coaching and see if it’s a good fit for you and your family.